WHAT  OF  IT  ? 

BY  NETTIE  SEELEY  MURPHY 


^  THOR  OF  "isn't  IT  S0l 


}) 


v» 


PICTURED  BY 
TAS.SWINNERTON 

J.C.COLL 


-^ 


WHAT   OF   IT? 


By  the  Same  Author 

ISNT   IT  SO? 

Illustrated.      izmo. 

Cloth,  $i.oo 

r:et 


\ 


(Tcrrr/ 

B^  imiTE  mxn  mjepht 

Au^r  cf  l?nt  It  ^  ?  * 


FHILADELPfflA 
'^-cQ     J.  B.  LIPPINCOTT 

COMPANY 

J905 


Copyright,  1905 
By  J.  15.  Liri'iNCOTT  Company 


Published  September,  1905 


Electrotyped  and  Printed  by 
J.  B.  Lippincott  Company,  Philadelphia,  U.  S.  A. 


TO   MY 
SEVEN   GRAND   GIRLS 
AND   BOYS 


INTRODUCTION 


As  a  matter  of  fact,  I  don't  believe  one 
of  my  bitterisms  !  I  believe  nothing  but 
that  my  friends  are  true,  my  husband  noble, 
my  children  good,  and  that  this  is  a  glori- 
ous old  world  to  live  in  ! 

So  here's  to  the  precious,  perspicacious 
public !  May  it  live  long  to  read  and  rail 
at  my  aphorisms.  And  may  you  enjoy 
the  reading  and  laughing  at  my  epigrams 
as  much  as  I  have  the  writine  and  lauo-h- 
ing  at  you  ! 

The  Author. 


WHAT   OF   IT? 


EN  marry  expecting  all 
the  virtues.  Women 
marry  knowing  they  are 
lucky  if  they  find  one. 


Courtship  is  like  slid- 
ing down  hill  with  your 
best  trirl.      Marriage  is 

carrying  the  sled  up  hill  with  the  girl  on 

the  sled. 


The  faithfulness  of  wives  is  a  foregone 
conclusion.  The  faithfulness  of  husbands 
is  a  foregone  confusion. 

The  most  strenuous  job  in  the  universe 
is  being  a  woman,  and  there  isn't  one 
woman  who  isn't  disgusted  with  her  job. 


Never  cry  over  spilt   milk — there's  too 
much  sour  left  to  wrestle  with. 

9 


' '  The  fear  of  my  ivife  is  tJie  beginning 
of  zvisdonr  is  in  many  a  man  s  Bible. 

Love  is  a  week  of  insane  bliss,  and  then 
— sufferance. 

Men  are  peculiarly  susceptible  to  two 
things,  pity  and  flattery.  Either  one  ad- 
ministered with  tact  will  land  any  of  them. 

From  those  who  pose  "In  the  name  of 
the  Lord"  good  Lord  deliver  us ! 


A   man   is   honest   through   principle,   a 
woman  through  fear  of  beinp-  found  out. 


A  fly  might  as  well  try  to  get  out  of 
a  spider's  web,  as  a  man  get  out  of  a 
woman's  toils,  when  she  has  made  up  her 
mind  to  hold  him. 

Woman  is  either  man's  heaven  or  man's 
hell — seldom  anything  between. 

The  vanity  of  man  makes  the  existence 
of  woman  easier. 

The  woman  who  tells  her  age  not  only 
has  the  courage  of  her  convictions,  but  the 
courage  of  her  looks. 

Honesty  is  a  poor  paying  business. 

An  old  bachelor's  loneliness  may  be  pa- 
thetic, but  an  old  maid's  is  tragic. 

When  Cupid  wants  real  sport,  he  goes 
gunning  in  the  ranks  of  the  married ! 

Listen  closely  and  you  will  detect  the 
minor  chord  in  every  woman's  voice. 

In  your  estimate  of  a  man  don't  take 
the  plaudits  of  the  crowd.  Interview  his 
wife  ! 


Keep  a  man  guessing :  that's  the  zuhole 
secret. 


The  worst  thino-  about  a  fool  is  his  being 
so  ntierly -A.  fool  that  he  doesn't  know  he  is 
a  fool. 


If  wisdom  and  experience  could  only 
come  with  youth,  what  a  worid  we  should 
have  by  the  horns. 

Marriage  increases  man's  respect  for 
woman,  and  decreases  woman's  respect 
for  man. 

What  wonders  we  would  all  accomplish 
—  if  we  only  had  the  other  fellow's  oppor- 
tunity. 

We  take  religion  as  we  take  a  pill,  pray- 
ing that  it  will  cure,  while  rebelling  at  the 
taste. 

Love  is  seldom  a  fatal  complaint  with 
men.  It  is  like  his  whooping-cough  and 
measles, — easily  acquired  and  easily  cured. 

Marriage  is  a  heaven  of  corked-up  bliss, 
or  hell  with  the  lid  off. 

Women  marry  praying  for  the  illusion 
to  last.  Men  marry  for  the  pleasure  of 
smashinp-  the  illusion. 


t> 


A  woman  never  understands  how  hard 
a  man  works  for  her  until  she  has  lost  him. 
13 


If  you  do  not  encroach  on  a  man's  pet 
vices  and  cxtravag^ances  he's  a  very  ami- 
able sort  of  a  beast. 


^iriaaaj^^ 


SALT  L«,« 

cay 


^(^To   BE.   CONTlNutlj) 


S^-    o^ 


..^4' 


To    viai^ry  hut   once    is    monotony.       To 
7narry  nioi^e  than  once  is  bravado  ! 

Every  pleasure  has  its  penalty,  and  every 
pain  its  reward. 

Of  course  there  arc  faithful  husbands  in 
the  world  ;  but  there  are  freaks,  too  ! 


Love  is  a  gift  of  the  angels. 
14 


A  woman  is  a  species  of  animal  no  man 
can  understand,  and  no  woman  would 
bodier  to. 

Marriage  is  a  broom  that  sweeps  away- 
all  illusions. 

The  bread  of  independence  never  gives 
one  indigestion. 

A  man  needs  seasoning  just  as  much  as 
soup  does. 

Extreme  amiability  in  women  is  either 
stupidity  or  a  social  or  matrimonial  axe  to 
o-rind. 


& 


The  combination  of  passion  and  purity, 
integrity  and  intelligence  in  woman  is  what 
captures  a  man. 

A  man  likes  fame  for  the  woman  he 
loves,  so  long-  as  it  does  not  rival  him. 
But  his  Majesty  has  no  notion  of  playing 
second  fiddle  to  any  muse. 

A  man  is  as  afraid  of  the  woman  he 
loves  as  a  woman  is  afraid  of  a  burg^lar  in 
the  dark. 

15 


A  faithful  spouse  is  the  loneliest  zuork 
of  God. 

We  follow  with  reverential  tread  the 
dead  body  to  the  grave  ;  and  then  we  gal- 
lop back  to  the  marts  of  the  world,  already 
planning  to  replace  the  victim  in  our  affec- 
tions, or  scheming  to  obtain  his  money ! 
And  yet  we  flatter  ourselves  we  shall  be 
remembered  !  Oh,  the  duplicity  of  human 
nature  ! 

The  uncertainty  of  the  future  is  in  part 
alleviated  by  the  hope  that  we  may  escape 
some  of  the  people  we  have  to  endure 
here. 


Every  one  of  us  is  a  liar,  only  some  are 
more  accomplished  in  the  art  than  others. 


i6 


The  first  thino-  a  husband  learns  is  that 
his  wife  is  made  of  clay,  and  that  he  is 
tied  hard  and  fast.  The  first  thing  a  wife 
learns  is  that  her  husband  is  more  stomach 
than  soul,  and  that  his  pocket-book  has  a 
time-lock  on  it. 

If  you  want  to  keep  your  love,  break  his 
heart.  If  you  want  to  lose  him,  marry 
him. 

Necessity  and  vanity  go  arm  in  arm  to 
ruin  women. 

Wasn't  it  a  foxy  design  of  some  one's 
that  made  widow's  weeds  so  becominor? 

The  rasping,  tyrannical  little  things  are 
what  make  trenches  in  the  human  counte- 
nance, and  not  the  big  troubles  that  are 
often  borne  with  fortitude. 

It  is  always  the  unattainable  that  is  fasci- 
nating,— if  women  could  only  get  this  fact 
pounded  into  their  silly  noddles  ! 

It  is  the  shy  glimpses  we  catch  of  the 
human  heart  that  make  us  want  to  delve 
deeper. 

17 


./  "u'ONidii  puis  a  man 
oil  a  pedestal,  and  lie  sits 
up  tlio'C  i^riiuiuig  at  Iter, 
saying  to  JiiuisclJ]  ''Poor 
little  iojioranius  /" 

Why  tliis  hue  and   cry 

about    the    non-feHcity  of 

married  love  !     There  are 

sovie    bhnd    and    stupid 

people  in  the  world. 


Oh,  these  "all 
soul"  women  who 
"wear  their  hearts  on 
their  sleeves  for  daws 
to  peck  at !"  Daws  that  wear  trousers,  and 
mustaches,  and  hypocritical  smiles  !  Learn 
early  in  the  game  they  are  only  "daws" 
and  not  the  ' '  fair  gods' '  of  your  imagination. 


There  is  only  one  sin, — greed, 
to  all  the  others. 


It  leads 


Hypocrites  and  liars  should  have  good 
memories. 


Marriage  proves  a  necessary  evil  to  the 
majority  of  women. 


i8 


The  amount  of  gray  matter  a  man  ex- 
pends in  making  excuses  should  win  him 
a  place  in  the  Halls  of  Fame. 

The  sobs  of  a  woman  and  the  oaths  of 
a  man  are  much  more  vociferous  when 
they  are  sure  of  a  good  listener. 

A  woman  moralizes  over  a  man's  vices, 
and  then  turns  up  her  nose  when  she  finds 
him  virtuous. 

To  sound  the  depths  of  the  human 
heart,  you  have  to  use  but  one  tool — flat- 
tery. 


The  woman  who  can  say  flattering  things 
to  another  woman  as  though  she  meant 
them  is  bound  to  be  a 
social  success. 

The  religion  of  to-day 
is  a  cloak  well  lined 
with  dollar  bills. 

TJie  zvay  to  fight  a 
man  is  not  with  law, 
tears,  or  pistol,  but  with 
indifference, 

19 


riic  one  woman  who  never  had  a  flaw 
in  her  character,  a  mar  in  her  beauty,  a 
joo-  in  her  temper  was — my  husband's  first 
w^ife. 

The  large  generosity  of  men  in  deaHng 
with  the  foibles  of  women  is  worthy  of  a 
better  cause. 

By  all  means  get  health.  It  is  the  key- 
note to  everything  in  life. 

As  a  sex  woman  is  divine.  As  an  indi- 
vidual she  is  a  bore. 

God  knew  pretty  nearly  what  He  was 
about  when  He  restricted  women.  If 
women  had  the  same  license  as  men  this 
old  world  would  be  doincj  a  skirt-dance 
with  one  foot  on  the  North  Pole  and  the 
other  on  the  South. 

Dead  people  are  always  monuments  of 
goodness,  oracles  of  wisdom,  paragons  of 
virtue. 

The  "demnition  grind"  that  Dickens 
tells  about  is  resolved  into  the  single 
proposition  of  how  to  beat  the  other  fellow. 


Marriaq-e    is    like    bicycling, — too    hard 
work  for  the  fun  you  get  out  of  it. 

The  divination  of  the  heavens  is  A.  B.  C. 
compared  to  the  divination  of  woman. 


Greek,  Hindu,  Chinese  migJit  be  learned, 
but  woman, — never  ! 


Adam  was  a  sorry  lot  after  Eve  ap- 
peared on  the  scene.  Why  ivill  men 
never  remember  that  ? 


Men   love   the   unattainable  virtue,  and 
women  love  the  attainable  pocket-book ! 

The  people  who  agree  with  us  have  such 
perspicuity,  such  intelligence ! 


As  a  sex,  man  is  an  al)(.)ininati()n  unto 
the  Lord.  As  an  individual  he  is  a  com- 
bination of  strenoth  and  sweetness  ])ut  uj) 
in  more  or  less  ai^reeable  packaj^cs,  for 
the  benefit  of  woman. 

Man  is  woman's  chastisement. 

Touch  a  man's  vanity  and  he  expands 
like  the  green  bay  tree.  Touch  his  pocket- 
book  and  he  closes  like  a  clam. 

With  the  wealthy  vice  is  an  en^cement, 
a  passer  le  temps,  a  thing-  to  be  winked  at, 
condoned.  With  the  poor,  vice  is  vulgar, 
nauseating,  justifiably  punishable. 

The  principles  that  we  keep  on  tap  for 
other  people's  inspection  are  seldom  the 
principles  we  practice. 

Life  is  a  hard  job  at  the  best,  and  those 
of  us  who  are  the  best  paid  for  it  often  feel 
like  going  on  strike  for  more  peace,  shorter 
miseries,  and  lighter  heartaches. 

Playing  with  fire  and  jjlaying  with  pas- 
sion are  charming — so  long  as  you  do  not 
get  burned. 


MARW*j;e: 


Men  tJiink  in  straigJit  lines.  Women  in 
zig-zag. 

It  is  the  proper  thing  for  a  man  to  be 
proper — after  he  has  exhausted  everything 
that  isn't. 

Love  is  never  so  bhnd  that  it  can't  see 
securities. 


Some  people  stand  up  like  lamp-posts 

in    our    lives,    lighting    us    to    a    happier, 

brighter  life. 

23 


If  women  knew  how  men  crave  sym- 
pathy— simple,  human  pity,  warm,  heart- 
felt sympathy — and  how  far  it  goes  with 
them,  she  would  make  it  her  strongest 
weapon. 

The  nauseating-  pills  of  vice  that  men 
swallow  with  relish  are  among  the  most 
astonishing  things  a  woman  has  to  learn. 

Real  good  morals  are  a  real  good  thing 
to  have  in  plenty.  They  are  such  a  shield 
when  you  want  to  rob  a  bank,  or  run  away 
with  another  man's  wife  ! 


"Man  is  the  noblest  work  of  God" — in 
the  few  moments  when  he  doesn't  happen 

to  be  the  most  ig- 
noble. 

A  man  might  be 
liappy  penniless,  but 
more  or  less  money 
is  absolutely  neces- 
sary to  a  woj)iaji  s 
happiness.  Imag- 
ine a  female  Happy 
Hooligan  I 

24 


^9^ 


When     the     Lord 
makes  a  virticoiis  man, 
or  a  vainless  woman,  ^ 
the    devil    feels    like 
shutthig  lip  shop. 

The  injured  inno- 
cence of  a  man  is 
beautiful  to  behold — 
before  he  is  cauo-ht. 


Get  a  man's  friend- 
ship,   and    you    hold 

him.  Get  his  love,  and  you  lose  him. 
Men  are  true  friends  and  false  lovers. 
Women  are  false  friends  and  true  lovers. 


When  a  woman  says  No,  and  means 
Yes,  she  thinks  a  man  a  dullard  for  obey- 
ing the  No  and  not  divining  the  Yes. 

Every  woman  is  queen  in  the  realm  of 
vanity. 

Every  man  is  a  czar  in  the  empire  of 
egotism. 

Do   right   under    difficulties.      Any   fool 
can  do  right  with  no  pressure  to  do  wrong. 
25 


\ 


Say  No  to  a  woman  and  she  immediately 
plans  to  turn  the  world  upside  down  and, 
incidentally,  you  along  with  it,  until  you 
gasp  Yes  in  sheer  exhaustion. 

Go  through  the  world  with  the  pick  and 
shovel,  love  and  charity,  to  find  the  good 
in  people,  and  your  basket  will  be  over- 
flowing. 

The  study  of  human  nature  is  a  mortifi- 
cation. 

Our  parents  push  us  into  marriage  as 
they  push  us  into  whooping-cough  and 
measles,  knowing  that  we  shall  suffer,  but 
idiotically  believing  that  the  disease  is  a 
necessary  evil. 

A  drunken  man  is  as  hard  a  pull  on  a 
woman's  sentiment  and  a  woman's  ardor 
as  a  vulgar,  slovenly  woman  must  be  on  a 
man's. 

It  is  not  really  so  much  what  we  do  as 
how  we  do  it. 

The  religion  that  your  own  system  may 

assimilate  may  give  another  indigestion. 
26 


Keep  on  your  knees,  ladies,  and  your 
lord  and  master  will  be  more  or  less  ami- 
able and  throw  you  occasional  crumbs  of 
comfort.  Dare  to  arise,  and  behold  the 
savage  that  is  latent  in  him  ! 


A  man  uiight  be  a  BcetJiovcn  in  music,  a 
Raphael  in  art,  a  Shakespeare  in  liter ahwe, 
but  the  fnan  with  the  talent  to  make  money 
is  ahead  of  them  all  in  a  woman  s  eyes. 


Millions  of  men  are  honest  and  millions 
of  women  virtuous  because  they  have  no 

opportunity  to  be  otherwise. 

27 


The  real  <(enllcnian  saves  a  woman 
from  every  man's  attack,  even  his  own. 
The  otlicr  fellow  is  protective  only  as  far 
as  other  men  are  concerned. 

No  widow  was  ever  so  crushed  with 
g-rief  that  her  first  peep  into  her  mirror  did 
not  tell  her  that  a  widow's  bonnet  is  the 
most  becoming  thing  a  woman  ever  wore. 

A  man  treats  a  finely  bred  horse  or  a 
finely  bred  dog  with  the  utmost  considera- 
tion. But  he  heaps  all  the  savagery  of  his 
nature  on  a  finely  bred  woman. . 

Every  sentiment  in  life  is  only  a  ques- 
tion of  imagination,  more  or  less  exagger- 
ated. 

Hope  is  a  desire  forever  unsatisfied. 

To-morrow  we  shall  be  happy !  To-mor- 
row we  shall  be  rich  !  To-morrow  we  shall 
have  our  loved  ones  with  us  ! — and  to- 
morrow never  comes. 

The  supposition  is,  when  a  girl  is  mar- 
ried  she  is  settled  for  life, — when  she   is 

really  just  beginning  to  be  unsettled. 
"28 


When  a  woman  first  realizes  that  all  ro- 
mance has  dropped  out  of  her  life,  the 
tug"  at  her  heart-strings  is  perhaps  the 
worst  wrench  they  ever  get. 


The  only  thing  to  do  with  an  old  man  is 
to  get  his  money.  The  only  thing  to  do 
with  an  old  woman  is  to  get  an  undertaker. 

Many  a  uiaii  is  uni- 
formed who  ongJU  to  be 
chloroformed. 

The  sweetness,  severity 
and  wisdom  of  old  aee 
should  teach  rash  youth 
to  emulate  it. 

Age  deludes  itself  that 
youth    has    need    of  him. 
The  only  use   that   youth 
has  for  age  is  to  use  him   to   further   his 
own  ends. 


Gratitiide  is  a  something  we  talk  about 
but  never  feel.  It  is  a  virtue  known  only 
to  dogs. 


Scandal  thrives  best  on  idle  soil. 
29 


To  parley  witli  virtue  is  to  succumb  to 
vice. 

The  confidence  we  have  in  other  people's 
goodness  is  built  largely  on  the  confidence 
we  have  in  our  own. 

The  devil  goes  around  with  a  basketful 
of  opportunities  for  us  to  do  his  will.  And 
the  most  damning  ones  are  always  on  the 
top. 

The  requirements  of  marriage  are  like 
religion, — a  whole  lot  of  faith  and  very 
little  knowledgfe. 

o 

A  man  never  formves  a  woman  for  Lrrow- 
inor  old. 

Woman  is  the  oasis  in  the  desert  of 
man's  life. 

Satan  goes  fishing  with  all  sorts  of  bait. 
But  vanity  is  the  bait  that  catches  all  con- 
ditions and  kinds. 

The  woman  he  cannot  get  is  always  the 
most   desirable,   as   the   apple  beyond   his 
reach  is  always  the  reddest. 
30 


Think  of  your  blessings ;  there  are 
plenty  of  them.  Forget  your  woes  ;  they 
are  always  magnified. 

Constancy  is  a  thing  a  man  preaches 
and  a  woman  practises. 

Justice  is  hard  pressed  for  material 
when  she  tries  dealing  with  a  woman. 


It  is  but  a  question  of  time  when  mar- 
ried love  becomes  a  farce  played  more  or 
less  amiably  for  the  benefit  of  the  neigh- 
bors. 


The  manoeuvring  and  subtcrfuging  that 
women  resort  to  to  retain  their  hold  on  men 
is  worthy  of  a  better  cause. 


3' 


.  ///  )iic)i  are 
fickle  —  II II /ess  a 
zooiNdu  holds  the 
pocket-book. 

When  a  woman 
realizes  that  a 
man  is  an  animal, 
to  be  endured  and 
made  the  best  of, 
and  casts  aside  all 
ideas  of  reforma- 
tion, she  will  have 

made   long   strides   towards  peace,  if  not 

happiness. 

When   love   begins  to   die,   the  woman 
weeps,  and  the  man  sneers. 

All  men  and  women  lose  the  power  to 
fascinate,  but  not  one  loses  the  desire  to. 

The  quality  of  our  morals   usually  de- 
pends on  what  other  people  think  of  them. 


Wound    the    heart    unto   breaking,    the 
body  unto  death,  and  it  may  be  forgiven 
you.      But  wound  the  vanity  and  the  crime 
stands  forever  against  you. 
32 


Every  man  is  a  big  baby  who  never  quite 
gets  ont  of  Ids  sivaddling  clothes.  A)id  the 
woman  ivho  rcmetubers  and  acts  upon  this 
knowledge  is  the  woman  ivho  rules  her  baby. 

Love  is  so  tender  a  flower  that  nothing 
human  can  handle  it  carefully  enough  to 
make  it  last  forever. 


There  are  not  ten  women  in  a  thousand 
who  have  reached  the  half  century  mark 
who  have  not  achinof  or  breaking  hearts. 
Why?  Because  women  live  on  love  and 
illusion,  and  at  that  agfe  their  idols  are 
broken,  their  illusions  shattered,  and  their 
hearts  lie  amongst  the  ruins. 

The  devotion  of  a  lover  is  always  in  pro- 
portion to  the  admiration  of  other  men. 

i7> 


A  man  never  seems  to  realize  until  he 
gets  about  ninety  that  he  is  a  back  number. 
He  puts  every  old  codger  around  him  in 
the  rear,  but  he  always  fondly  imagines 
that  Jie  is  still  in  the  realm  of  fascination. 


When  a  man  is  generous  it  is  to  bluff 
the  other  fellow.  When  a  woman  is  c^en- 
erous  she  wants  the  secret  of  the  other 
woman's  beauty-doctor  or  dress-maker. 


^^   Nothing  is  quite  worth  the  price  we  pay 
^for  it  in  this  world. 


If  women  were  judges  of  men  there 
would  be  no  marriao^es.  If  men  were 
judges  of  women — but  that  is  an  incon- 
ceivable proposition. 

There  was  never  a  purely  moral  human 
being  born  on  this  mundane  sphere  ex- 
cept Adam,  and  he  soon  got  tired  of  the 
job! 


There  are  no  marriao^es  in  heaven,   be- 
cause  marriage  requires  a  man. 


We  produce  our  best  when  our  hands 
are  fullest. 

34 


Gather  the  crumbs  of  Happiness,  and 
they  will  make  for  you  a  loaf  of  Content- 
ment. 

Vanity  is  the  only  passion  that  never 
dies.  It  follows  us  even  to  anxiety  as  to 
the  fit  of  our  shroud  and  the  pattern  of 
our  coffin-handles. 


Avarice  is  the  only  passion  left  to  old 
age. 

It  is  a  sad  commentary  on  human  nature 
that  people's  vices  are  more  fascinating 
than  their  virtues. 


Few  zvonicn  arc 
humorous.  I  think 
they  feci  the  pathos 
of  being  a  zuoinan. 

Woman  makes 
a  drudge  of  man 
to  support  her 
vanity  and  idle- 
ness. Man  ac- 
cepts the  drudg- 
ery to  purchase 
peace  and  silence. 


The  perfect  woman  is  ii  perfect  bore. 

We  ablior  vice  strenuously  in  other 
people's  households,  but  when  it  reaches 
our  own,  how  we  back  water  ! 


The  fiercest  wild-cat  guards  her  you7ig, 
but  a  civilized  mother  throws  her  dauohter 
into  the  arms  of  titled  roues  and  moiiey- 
hunting  reprobates. 

Avoid  the  microscope  in  affairs  of  love. 
No  sentiment,  not  even  religion,  can  stand 
it. 


If  you   interlard   your   intercourse   with 
society  \\V\\  plenty  of  flattery,  it  will  never 
turn  its  back  on  you, 
36 


Fill  a  man  full  of  love  of  himself  and 
he  is  easily  landed  and  handled. 

Love  is  the  sugar  that  sweetens  life's 
vinegar. 

We  are  always  suspicious  of  the  motives 
of  others  when  we  have  not  always  been 
perfectly  upright  ourselves. 

Death,  the  gateway  to  peace  !  The  gate- 
way to  freedom !  Why  are  we  so  afraid 
to  open  it? 

When  we  are  young  we  fear  conse- 
quences.    When  we  are  old  we  fear  gossip. 

An  increase  of  avoirdupois  means  an  in- 
crease of  virtue. 

To  make  a  man  love  you,  make  him 
believe  he  is  the  only  genuine,  real  thing 
extant.  He  will  be  so  pleased  at  your  dis- 
covery that  he  will  love  the  discoverer. 

The  religion  that  you  are  trying  to  cram 
down  your  neighbor's  throat  is  probably 
the  religion  that  you  take  in  small  doses 
yourself. 

37 


Others'  jiidci^ment  of  us  we  generally  de- 
serve, (^iir  judgment  of  others  is  gener- 
ally warped. 

The  deeper  one  goes  into  the  problems 
of  life,  religion,  or  love,  the  unhappier 
they  become.  People  who  live  on  the  sur- 
face are  invariably  contented. 

One  can  defend  one's  self  against  the 
assassin's  knife,  but  who  can  defend  him- 
self against  the  hypocrite? 

If  we  sail  on  the  waters  of  love  long 
enouorh,  we  are  bound  to  reach  the  shores 
of  indifference. 

The  woman  with  no  heart  is  the  woman 
who  scores  hits.  These  heart  creatures 
always  get  beaten  in  the  game  of  life. 


A  Dian  is  never  so 
ugly  tJiat  lie  cannot  find 
some  ivonian  to  declare 
Jiivi  handsome. 


These  red  -  hot,  siz- 
zling loves  soon  burn 
to  ashes. 

38 


Men  do  7iot  love  ivomeii  of  cJiaracter — 
it  throws  their  own  so  in  the  shade. 

We  are  all  pessimistic, — when  our  girl 
goes  off  with  the  other  fellow.  We  are  all 
optimistic  when  our  pocket-book  is  full. 

Vanity  often  makes  as  big  a  fool  of  a 
man  as  desire. 

Life  is  a  "  scrapping-match,"  and  sooner 
or  later  we  all  get  the  solar-plexus  blow. 


The  worst  thing  in  life  is  poverty  of 
heart,  poverty  of  soul,  not  poverty  of 
riches. 

39 


An  accomplished  liar  is  a  clicf-d\vuvre. 

We  always  hate  those  whose  wit  is 
sharper  than  our  own. 

F"ools  make  more  trouble  in  the  world 
than  do  criminals. 

When  a  man's  love  is  dead,  it  is  more 
dead  than  Caesar. 

Marriage  is  perpetual  conciliating  and 
excusing  on  the  man's  side,  and  a  heart- 
breaking acceptation  of  the  inevitable  on 
the  woman's. 

We  all  make  the  common  mistake — the 
mistake  of  beine  alive.  • 


t> 


Every  wife  can  tell  you  that  man  is  a 
veneered  savage. 

Woman  would  be  deprived  of  one  of 
her  keenest  pleasures  if  she  were  denied 
the  pleasure  of  being  miserable. 

There  are  two  things  a  man  will  never 

know    anything  about, — perpetual  motion 

and  a  woman's  heart. 
40 


TJie  Lord  made  zuoinan 
Jioiiest,  aiid  the  devil  has 
nevei''  recovered  from 
his  sH7^pi^ise. 

The  silent  tears  that 
well  up  in  the  hearts  of 
women  could  drown  the 
universe. 


The  reliorion  that  we 
believe  we  believe  is  the  religion  that  will 
save  our  soul.  The  religion  that  we  say 
we  beUeve  is  the  religion  that  may  save 
our  social  or  family  standing. 

Girls,  don't  waste  your  ammunition  on 
a»man  under  thirty  or  thirty-five.  Before 
that  he  is  a  fool  or  an  egotist.  If  he 
doesn't  happen  to  be  either  he  is  mamma's 
darling,  and  has  been  taught  by  her  that 
marriage  is  an  unnecessary,  an  expensive 
performance. 

The  heavy  stones  in  the  hearts  of  wives 
and  mothers  would  build  a  tower  to  heaven. 

It  is  only  a  woman's  vanity  that  allows 
her  to  swallow  the  soft  lies  of  men. 

41 


Tlie  1()\('  of  man  is  ilic  l()\-(?  for  an  indi- 
vidual. Vhc  love  of  a  woman  is  ihc  love 
of  an  ideal. 

When  the  morals  of  your  neiorhbors  di.s- 
please  you,  try  and  he  consoled.  It  is  be- 
cause they  didn't  have  you  to  advise  them  ! 


Assume  success, 
even  if  you  liavc  it 
not.  No  one  cares 
for  tJie  under  doo\ 

W'oman  must  have 
all  the  virtues ;  man 
but  one — money. 

The   cultivation  o/ 
happiness  makes  hap- 
piness just  as  the  cul- 
tivation of  roses  makes  roses. 


Vanity  and  passion  are  at  the  root  of 
every  evil  in  Christendom. 

The  woman  who  makes  a  door-mat  of 

herself   for   her    husband   and    sons    must 

not  be  surprised  when  she  feels  their  feet 

on  her  neck. 

42 


Life  is  a  disease,  and  it  is  a  species  of 
selfishness  to  afflict  any  one  with  it. 

To  many  women  men  are  but  animated 
cash  reofisters. 

Woman  has  three  weapons — flattery, 
beauty,  wit.  But  the  greatest  of  these  is 
flattery. 

A  woman  requires  a  lover  and  a  com- 
plexion to  be  happy.  A  man  requires  a 
vice  and  paying  dividends, 

A  man  often  finds  something  amusing  in 
love.  A  woman  never  finds  anything  in  it 
but  tragedy. 

Love  is  symbolic  of  fanaticism,  and  fa- 
naticism is  not  far  from  an  asylum. 

Happiness  is  a  myth,  a  will-o'-the-wisp, 
a  mirage,  with  no  foundation  for  its  exist- 
ence but  in  our  own  imagination. 

Truth  makes  villains  of  us  all. 

Love  is  the  admission  of  two  people  of 
insanity. 

43 


Smootli  him,  cckix  him,  coddle  him,  and 
your  man  is  |)utty  in  your  hands.  Fight 
him,  sH^ht  him,  na^"  him,  and  a  raging 
bull  couldn't  e(jual  him   for  ugliness. 


A  man  is  always  a  tyrant  nntil  he  meets 
his  match  in  some  little  Jive-foot  luoinan,  and 
the  way  she  whips  him  around  the  stump 
makes  the  gods  laugh  I 


The  way  to  fascinate  a  man  is  to  elude 
him  just  a  little.  The  way  to  hold  him  is 
to  never  let  him  believe  but  what  you  could 
live  without  him. 

44 


Man  chases  happiness  from  childhood  to 
old  age,  and  dies  without  ever  catching 
the  hem  of  her  garment. 


fc> 


No  sentiment  but  a  mother's  love  can 
stand  the  microscope. 

Money  is  a  great  lubricator  of  the 
wheels  of  life. 

Jealousy  is  a  hell's  fire  that  can  only  be 
quenched  by  the  tears  of  love. 

A  weary  body  is  rested  in  a  few  hours. 
A  weary  heart  may  not  be  rested  in  a  life- 
time. 

Money  is  a  great  quietus  of  scruples. 

The  jealousy  that  was  fascinating  in  a 
sweetheart  becomes  a  bore  in  a  wife. 

Old  age  is  tasteless.  The  spice  of  am- 
bition and  adventure  has  gone.  It  pam- 
pers itself  with  luxuries,  hanging  on  to  the 
skirts  of  a  lost  happiness  when  it  would 
give  all  it  possessed  for  the  joy  that  once 
thrilled  it,  when  it  stole  a  kiss  from  the  lips 
of  beauty ! 

45 


When  people  disagree  luith  you,  pity 
ratJie7''  tJian  condemn.  They  can' t  be  sup- 
posed to  Jiave  the  supei'ior  light  on  the 
subject  that  you  have  ! 

The  vanity  of  a  peacock  is  nothing  com- 
pared to  the  vanity  of  a  man  when  a  woman 
first  tells  him  she  loves  him. 

Some  women  are  fit  only  to  be  put  in  a 
bird-caee  to  be  looked  at. 

o 


Man  demands  in  woman  goodness, 
grace,  beauty,  piety,  domesticity,  intelli- 
gence,   etc.,    etc.,   ad  infuiituni.     Woman 

demands  in  man — money  ! 
46 


The  older  a  woman  grows  the  more  she 
feels  the  need  of  being-  loved,  and  the  less 
able  she  is  to  inspire  it.  It  is  one  of  the 
most  pathetic  tragedies  of  life. 


To  zuork  is  iwtJiing,  but  to  won^y  is 
hell! 

Forget  disagreeable  things.  You  only 
prove  yourself  disagreeable  by  remember- 
ing them. 


Be  a  villain  if  you  must,   but  don't  be 
rude.     That  is  unpardonable. 

47 


Happiness    is    like    to-morrow, — always 
^tk      coming,  never  here. 

It  isn't  the  devil  that  lays  humanity  low. 
It  is  opportunity. 

When  you've  had  your  dose  of  man's 
duplicity  and  man's  deceit,  learn  this  trite 
lesson :  Every  man  is  a  deceiver  or  a  fool. 
When  you  find  the  exception,  cage  him  for 
exhibition. 

Man  is  gunpowder.  Woman  is  the 
match. 

Men  are  but  boys  grown  tall.  And  they 
need  training  and  managing  just  as  much 
as  they  did  in  knickerbockers. 

A  man's  lack  of  morals  can  be  usually 
accounted  for  by  a  woman's  lack  of  com- 
mon sense. 

A  man  may  lose  the  ability  but  he  never 
loses  the  wish  to  roam  in  pastures  new. 

Fate  sometimes  forces  us  into  sin  and 

hypocrisy  even   against  our   most   honest 

desires. 

48 


The  wit  that  hits  others  is  screamingly 
funny.  The  wit  that  hits  us  is  the  vilest 
slander. 

The  friends  God  gives  you  are  yours. 
The  friends  your  relatives  thrust  upon  you 
—well ! 


Give  a  man  Jiattery  by  the  bucketful. 
He  II  swallow  it  all,  and  ask  for  a  hogs- 
head. 

The  way  to  keep  a  man  amiable  is  to 
baby  him.  His  mother  coddled  him  ;  his 
sisters  coddled  him  ;  his  gfrandmother  re- 
coddled  him,  and  his  maiden  aunt  doubled 
up  on  that  ;  and  he  is  highly  incensed  if 
his  wife  does  not  keep  up  the  performance. 

49 


A  sweet  oKl  mail   is  venerable,  a  sweet 
^  old  woman  is  divine. 

A  wife's  stock  always  t^oes  up  when  the 
husband  knows  some  other  man  admires 
her. 

Marrias^e  is  a  failure  unless  founded  on 
the  rock  ot  unselfishness. 

Marria^re  is  spelled  with  four  letters — 
d-Li-t-y. 

There  is  enough  water  in  a  woman's 
tears  to  drown  a  man's  soul. 

The  sweet  communion  with  those  we 
love  is  the  only  thing  that  saves  us  from 
insanity. 

Money  is  the  salve  that  heals  all  wounds. 

Woman  is  the  sweet  butter  to  the  hard 
bread  of  a  man's  life — and  he  pays  for  the 
butter  ! 

If  virtue  be  measured  by  what  we  resist 
what  a  monumental  female  she  must  be  to 
some  of  us  ! 

50 


The  most  cringing, 
crawling,  contemptible 
thing  on  earth  is  a  fnan 
■whe?i  he  is  caught. 

That  men  are  abso- 
lutely good  for  nothing- 
but  their  pocket-book, 
is  the    secret    opinion  of   more    than   one 
woman. 


w 


When  we  have  reached  the  state  of  In- 
difference, we  have  reached  the  state  of 
Beatitude, 

A  man  is  a  heaven  when  he  pays  your 
bills.  And  a  hell  when  he  increases  your 
ills. 

We  believe  in  love  by  spurts,  in  religion 
by  spasms,  but  our  belief  in  money  is  with- 
out cessation. 

Love  is  an  imaginary  quality,  marriage 
a  real  one. 


Keep  love's  fire  replenished  with  plenty 
of  bank-notes,  and  you  will  never  come  to 
the  ashes. 


51 


f 


The  extent  of  one's  conscience  depends 
on  the  extent  of  what  lias  l^een  found  out. 

Happiness  knows  no  age,  love  sees  no 
wrinkles. 

rhe  woman  who  has  beauty,  but  no  wit, 
praise  her  wit.  If  she  has  wit  but  no 
beauty,  praise  her  beauty.  Praise  a  woman 
for  what  she  has  not. 

If  men  could  understand  women  and 
women  could  divine  men,  the  charm  of  sex 
would  be  gone.  There  would  be  no  pur- 
suit— no  capture. 

Love,  fidelity,  happiness,  religion,  are  all 
spasmodic  qualities.  Human  nature  is  too 
base  for  anything  to  get  a  firm  grip  on  it 
but  wickedness,  and  that,  like  the  brook, 
goes  on  forever. 

j\  man  never  treats  a  woman  sanely. 
She  is  either  a  saw-dust  doll,  an  angel,  or 
a  fiend  in  his  estimation ;  and  in  most 
cases  she  is  neither  one  nor  the  other. 

A  man  makes  opportunities  to  do  evil, 
and  a  woman  runs  away  from  them. 
52 


f 


If  s  a  mighty  good  tJiing  for  a  njonian  to 
have  a  pair  of  fists  back  of  her.  They  are 
very  convincing. 

It  is  man's  prerogative  to  do  as  he  likes. 
It  is  woman's  to  do  the  devoted  idiot  stunt. 

Flattery  is  the  open  sesame  to  a  man's 
heart,  and  money  to  a  woman's. 

The  hardest  word  in  the  Enorlish  Ian- 
guage  to  say  is — no  ! 


After  a  certain  length  of  time  a  wife  be- 
comes a  thing  to  be  endured,  supported, 
conciliated. 

53 


The  conversation  of  men  always  leads  to 
one  point:  how  much  money  is  there  in  it? 
Of  women,  what  does  Jtc  say,  do,  or  think? 

A  man  is  always  in  doubt  as  to  the  other 
fellow's  honesty,  and  a  woman  as  to  her 
husband's  fidelity. 

When  a  woman  gets  beyond  the  age 
when  a  man  can  be  made  jealous,  she  may 
as  well  throw  up  her  cards. 

Fidelity  is  a  thing  a  man  talks  about ! 

The  cleanliness  of  some  people  is  vastly 
more  endurable  than  the  godliness  of 
others. 

Flattery  is  all  that  is  left  for  old  age  to 
charm  with. 

What  is  man  or  woman  without  a  history, 
a  romance?  Like  an  unripe  pear — puck- 
ery  ;  like  champagne  without  its  fizz. 

I  am  doubtful  of  the  man  who  declares 
that  he  is  honest  or  the  woman  who  assures 
me  of  her  virtue.  Honesty  and  virtue  are 
self-evident. 

54 


The  little  fool  dressed  in  a  brief  authority 
is  as  inexorable  as  a  stone  wall. 

The  thorniest  path  some  people  have  to 
tread  is  the  path  of  virtue. 


Stop  at  nothing  sJuwt  of  crime  to  gain 
your  poirit. 

Religion  to-day  is  well  shod,  well  fed, 
well  housed.  If  the  sweet,  gentle  Christ, 
bare-footed  and  clad  in  coarse  raiment, 
were  to  walk  our  streets,  he  would  be 
followed  by  a  howling  mob  of  perky, 
well-starched  school  children,  and  priest 
and  layman  would  call  him  fanatic. 


Love  is  very  often  side-tracked  by  too 
much  sweetness. 

55 


Friendship  gives  a  hollow  sound  unless 
muffled  by  money. 

The  first  step  towards  reforming  the 
world  is  to  reform  yourself 

Fools  are  the  purgatory  of  the  wise. 

Lies  are  things  other  people  tell  and  we 
act. 

A  man's  the  sweetest  thing  alive — in 
the  few  moments  when  he  doesn't  hap- 
pen to  be  the  sourest ! 

Religion  is  a  bait  used  by  many  a  scoun- 
drel. 

Love  is  the  only  thing  that  gives  us 
courage  to  endure  the  rags  and  tags  of  life, 
and  if  we  have  not  that  to  inspire  us,  the 
drab  days  are  many. 

There  are  no  houses  to  let  on  Worry 
Street. 

We  may  forget  our  first  born,  our  first 
love,  but  we  never  forget  the  man  who 
tickles  our  vanity. 

56 


Make  believe  you  believe  everything  a 
man  tells  you.  Never  let  him  catch  you 
laughing-  up  your  sleeve  at  his  idiocy. 
After  all,  he  pays  the  tariff  and  that's  what 
you  got  him  for. 


One  of  the  most  astoiiisJiing  things  a 
luoinan  learns  is  ivJiat  a  weakling  her  big, 
strong,  brave  husband  is. 

Nothing  short  of  cremation  will  stop  a 
woman's  tongue  when  she  thinks  she  has 
a  grievance. 


There  is  only  one  religion — duty. 

57 


A  woman  would  practise  licr  arts  on  the 
devil  himself  if  she  could  only  corner  him. 

Don't  be  measuring  other  people's 
morals.  It  miorht  keep  you  busy  attending 
to  your  own  half-bushel. 

It  is  the  superior  minds  that  acknowledge 
superiority  in  others. 

We  are  governed  by  the  scum  and  no- 
bodies of  the  earth. 

A  man  is  a  jumping-jack  and  a  woman's 
hand  pulls  the  string. 

A  woman  will  have  the  centre  of  the 
stairc,  even  if  she  has  to  o-o  throuo-h  all 
manner  of  painful  contortions  to  get  there. 

Egotism  is  never  jealous, 

A  dog's  love  goes  beyond  your  last 
crust ;  a  woman's  to  your  last  dollar. 

The  stupendous  egotism  of  the  woman 
who  thinks  she  is  ensnaring  a  man  is  only 
e(|ualled  by  his  stupendous  amusement  at 
her  efforts. 

58 


lVoni€?i  arc  irutJifiil  except  zuheu  a  ?nan 
is  at  stake. 

It  is  only  a  question  of  time  when  a  man 
wearies  of  the  most  charminor  woman  on 
earth.  It  is  the  shrewd  woman  who  does 
the  leaving  business  before  her  power  has 
waned. 

One  half  the  world  is  stuff,  the  other 
half  bluff. 


A  man  thinks  none  the  less  of  a  woman 
for  serving  notice  on  him  occasionally. 


59 


The  pitiful,  tragic  lives  of  the  very  poor 
arc  a  silent  reproach  to  the  gorgeous  cathe- 
drals that  dot  the  world. 

The  problem  of  a  woman's  life  is  how 
to  win  a  man,  and  then  how  to  keep  him. 
The  problem  of  a  man's  is  which  woman 
to  take,  and  then  how  to  foot  her  bills. 

/  could  Jiatc  men 
with  tJic  most  ijitcnse 
Jiatrcd — if  tJicy  ivci'c 
not  such  nice  thiji^s 
to  love. 

Woman  is  man's 
scape-goat,  man's 
cat's-paw.  And  so 
long  as  they  main- 
tain their  present 
submissive  attitude  towards  men,  they 
richly  deserve  the  fate  meted  out  to  them. 

If  we  could  read  the  "handwriting  on 
the  wall"  of  our  loved  ones'  hearts,  we 
would  read  :    "  Have  pity  !" 

It  is  just  as  much  expected  that  a  mart 

shall  be  vicious  as  a  woman  shall  be  vain. 
60 


^<S^^' 


The  attainment  of  the  stars  is  easy  com- 
pared to  the  attainment  of  woman's  love 
without  a  certain  amount  of  money. 

When  people  declare  their  aversion  to 
the  opposite  sex,  they  look  the  lie  they 
speak. 

Labored  wit  and  labored  virtue  are  two 
labored  bores  hard  to  endure. 

The  only  flower  that  never  dies  is  the 
flower  of  love.  And  it  takes  an  astonish- 
ing amount  of  nourishment  to  keep  even 
that  alive  ! 

Man  is  a  tower  of  strength — until  a 
woman  knocks  him  over. 

Fidelity  is  a  flower  that  grows  in  the 
hearts  of  women  only. 

A  woman  forgives  the  boldest  approach 
of  a  man  if  he  only  has  the  wit  to  tell  her 
it  was  prompted  by  her  beauty. 

Marriage  is  like  a  kaleidoscope, — never 
twice  alike,  and  always  keeping  you  on  the 
jump  to  make  the  pieces  harmonize. 

6i 


It  is  only  a  ([lU'slion  ol  time  when 
woman  becomes  a  bore,  and  man  becomes 
monotonous. 


All  men  are  influenced  by  some  woman, 
the  woman  only  differing  in  her  relation- 
ship. 


Keep  your  troitblcs  to  yourself.  The 
fellow  you  are  reciting  them  to  thinks  them 
a  flea-bite  compared  to  his  own. 

If  married  people  could  take  each  other 
in  Homoeopathic  doses  instead  of  Allo- 
pathic,  Dr.  Divorce  might  not    be    called 

in  so  often. 

62 


The  comments  of  our  friends  upon  our 
misfortunes  is  harder  to  bear  than  the  mis- 
fortunes themselves. 

The  love  that  is  poaching  never  needs 
coaching. 

The  morals  of  our  neighbors  are  serious 
affairs,  and  need  our  careful  attention. 
Our  own  morals  have  a  habit  of  taking 
care  of  themselves. 

The  l^ve  that  is  overly  sweet  is  apt  to 
be  overly  fleet. 

In  your  walk  up  and  down  Easy  street, 
don't  forget  the  poor  devil  on  the  shady 
side. 

A  woman  is  vain  of  everything  except- 
inor  her  aee. 

Every  man  is  a  liar — except  when  it 
profits  him  to  tell  the  truth. 

When  you  want  to  find  the  fiercest  and 
lowest  animal  in  creation  look  for  man. 


It  is  an  insult  to  a  dogf  to  call  a  man  one. 
63 


JV()))iafis  vanity 

is  proverbial.  Man  s 

passctJi     all  iijidcr- 
stanciing. 

An  old  man  is  at  a 
premium — when  he 
has  money.  An  old 
woman  is  always 
below  par. 

Men — they  aren't 
worth    the    trouble ! 
Women — they  aren't  worth  the  "price  ! 

We  all  mean  to  reform — when  we  can't 
do  anything-  else. 

Pause  before  you  cast  the  first  stone — 
to  take  better  aim. 

There   are   only  two  necessary  evils  in 
the  world — men  and  women. 


Women  are  a  study.    Men  are  an  under- 
study. 

r^  There  are  three  things  that  men  have  in 

spasms, — love,  religion,  remorse. 
64 


Time  has  a  bad  habit  of  running  away 
when  you  want  it  to  stay,  and  staying  when 
"^you  want  it  to  run  away. 

A  man  never  reaHzes   the    depth    of  a 
^woman's    heartache    and    love     until     he 
buries  her. 

There's  only  one  worse  thing  than  being 
without  the  pale  of  society,  and  that  is 
being  within  it. 

Immorality  sometimes  entertains  us, 
even  while  it  shocks.  Morality  succeeds 
in  doino-  neither. 


t> 


There's  only  one  worse  thing  than  being 
a  woman  ;  and  that  is  being  a  man  ! 

To  most  people  religion  is  a  pill  sugar- 
coated  by  a  good-looking  minister. 

When  a  man  gets  petticoat  crazy,  the 
straight-jacket  of  marriage  is  the  only  thing 
that  will  restore  him  to  sanity. 

Prosperity  and  friends  go  hand  in  hand. 
When  one  takes  to  his  heels  the  other  in- 
variably follows. 

65 


Dont  zuhine  through  life,  but  fight.  A 
whining  dog  is  always  kicked.  A  fightijig 
one  is  respected. 

A  vigorous  shaking  up  and  setting  down 
hard  does  love  a  world  of  good  sometimes. 

Perhaps  the  reason  religion  is  such  a 
difficult  subject  to  discuss  is  because  every 
relieionist  thinks  he  has  a  morto-aore  on 
heaven  and  a  patent  way  of  getting  into 
it. 


The   isni   most   studied   and   least   com- 
prehended by  man  is  femininism. 

66 


The  woman  who  takes  everything  a  man 
says  with  a  pinch  of  sah  and  makes  him 
believe  it  is  a  pinch  of  sugar,  is  the  woman 
who  comes  pretty  near  to  riding  him. 

Morals  are  but  imaginary  qualities  con- 
trolled by  the  position  on  the  map.  What 
is  perfectly  moral  in  Africa  is  the  acme  of 
indecency  in  the  United  States.  What  is 
perfectly  moral  in  America  is  immodest  in 
Oriental  countries.  What  is  winked  at  in 
Utah  is  State's  prison  offence  in  California. 

Women  are  bought  and  men  are  cajoled. 
Who  is  the  o^reatest  sinner? 

"^Next  to  greed,  the  greatest  sin  is  self- 
riehteousness. 

A  man's  jealousy  always  wonders  how 
full  the  other  fellow's  pocket-book  is  ;  a 
woman's  jealousy,  whether  the  other  woman 
is  better  lookincr. 

o 

Of  course,  after  callow  youth  every  one 

is  blase.      Men   flaunt  it,  and  seek  a  new 

vice.     Women  conceal  it,  and  seek  a  new 

scandal.     But  it  is  all  a  dope  to  kill  the 

weariness  the  world  gives. 
67 


The  fascinating  woman  must  build  her 
barricade  with  considerable  finesse,  if  she 
does  not  find  herself  shunned  behind  it,  by 
her  own  sex,  with  all  the  other  sex  trying 
to  climb  over  it. 


S,-fi^di  ■ 


IVJicu  a  luoman  is  overly  sweet,  look  out 
for  the  dust  she  is  trying  to  throw  in  your 
eyes. 

The  sharpness  of  woman's  wit  is  always 
in  proportion  to  her  experiences. 

The  drag-net  of  llattery  never  fails  to 
catch  victims. 


^>^/^essimism  is  illusion  gone  to  seed. 

^  68 


Men  have  become  so  accustomed  to 
findino-  woman  a  marketable  merchandise, 
it  is  sometimes  a  surprise  to  them  to  find 
one  who  cannot  be  bought  with  bank  notes, 
wedding  rings,  or  flattery. 


TJicrc  is  ahoays  a  tear  lurking  in  zuom- 
aii  s  Jmnior. 

Man's  love  is  perennial.     Woman's  love 
is  centennial. 


Grab  happiness  as  she   flies    past    you. 

Never  dream  that  she  will  tarry  long. 
69 


A  man  is  a  pretty  straiij^ht  piece  of  goods 
until  some  woman  puts  a  wrinkle  or  a  kink 
in  him. 

We  measure  other  people's  morals  in  a 
pint  measure,  and  expect  other  people  to 
measure  ours  in  a  bushel. 

When  love  has  dealt  us  a  stinging  blow, 
pride  dresses  the  wound  and  time  heals  it. 

The  tears  that  are  not  in  the  eyes  are 
too  often  drowning  the  heart. 

Men  take  themselves  so  seriously! 
They  are  honest  in  their  belief  that  they 
are  "superior."  It  is  very  amusing  to  the 
woman  who  hears  him  rail  at  the  coffee, 
damn  the  laundryman,  and  turn  the  house 
topsy-turvy,  when  he  has  the  toothache  ! 

A  man  is  born  generous,  just,  forgiving. 
A  woman  has  to  have  every  one  of  these 
virtues  pounded  into  her  with  a  sledge- 
hammer. 

If  men  and  women  were  not  puzzles  to 

each  other,  they  would   not  be  interesting 

to  each  other. 

70 


A  man  is  never  so  much  in  love  that  he 
isn't  a  bit  mercenary  along  with  it, 

lo-norance  is  idiotic  while  evil  runs  ram- 
pant. 

Love  is  not  held  down  very  firmly  unless 
weighted  by  coin. 

What  a  paragon  of  virtue  is — the  other 
fellow's  wife  ! 

A  man  is  never  too  old  not  to  worry 
about  the  set  of  his  collar,  and  whether 
his  few  remaining  hairs  have  the  proper 
trim. 

Jealousy  is  a  frightful  cyclone  that  sweeps 
the  innocent  as  well  as  the  guilty  in  its 
path. 

Life  is  never  lone  enough  to  allow  time 
for  wicked  or  unwise  conduct. 

Most  women  have  nursed  the  child 
Love  and  seen  it  die  in  their  arms. 

Marriage  is  a  failure  only  to  those  who 
are  a  failure  themselves. 
7» 


There  is  only  one  thing  in  the  world  that 
can  go  faster  than  a  woman's  tongue,  and 
that  is — another  woman's  toneue. 


Men  demand  virtue  in  woman,  and  then 
do  everything  under  heaven  to  deprive 
her  of  it. 


Don  t  ai'gue.      You  nevei'  coJivincc  any- 


one. 


Kill  them  outright. 


Some  women  are  real  diamonds,  and 
some  are  paste  ;  but  it  takes  money  to  buy 
either. 


When  you  sit  in  judgment  on  others  turn 

the  seat  upside  down,  and  see  how  wobbly 

the  legs  are. 

72 


If  the  virtues  that  we  possess  had  one- 
tenth  the  stability  of  the  virtues  that  we 
assume,  every  one  would  have  to  go  into 
the  business  of  manufacturing  angels' 
wings. 

"^       Trust  a  man's  honor  to  the  end.     Trust 
a  woman's — until  you  arouse  her  enmity. 

We  would  all  be  faithful,  honest,  virtu- 
ous— if  we  could  choke  opportunity  to 
death. 

^     Don't  wish,   pine,   regret ;    but    scheme, 
plan,  force. 

Vanity  is  the  only  passion  left  to  us  in 
old  age. 

An  indiscreet  man  should  be  shot  off  the 
face  of  the  earth.  An  indiscreet  woman  is 
to  be  expected. 

Marriage  is  such  an  expenditure  of  en- 
ergy in  search  of  that  myth — Happiness. 

Men  are  faithful  under  two  conditions — 
when  they  are  watched,  or  there  is  no 
opportunity  to  be  otherwise. 

73 


/^  The  conversation  of  the  averag^e  woman 
is  as  monotonous  as  the  first  chapter  in 
Genesis. 

Vanity  is  Hke  a  cancer, — increases  with 


Conversation  with  some  people  is  as 
hard  work  as  carrying  a  loaded  wagon  up 
hill. 

i/  There  lurks  a  little  devil  of  vanity  in 
every  woman's  heart  that  is  always  urging 
her  to  poach  on  some  one  else's  preserves. 

A  man's  life  may  Itave  no  woman  in  it 
.  and  still  be  content.     A  woman's  life  with 
no  man  in  it  is  always  miserable. 

A  man  is  honorable  for  honor's  sake. 
A  woman  is  honorable  so  long  as  any  par- 
ticular feeling,  inspiration,  or  principle  by 
which  she  is  dominated  tells  her  to  be 
honorable. 

Cater  to  the  vices  and  vanities  of  men 
and  you  will  accumulate  wealth.  Cater  to 
their  intellectuality  or  spirituality  and  you'll 
starve  to  death. 

74 


Genius,  virtue,  beauty  may  be  woman's 
attributes,  but  common  sense,  never ! 

The  bitterest  dose  a  man  has  to  swallow 
is  a  dose  of  his  own  medicine. 


# 


When  woman  avozvs  Jiei'  love  for  man, 
his  stipi^eme  egotism  makes  him  believe  the 
tale  for  all  time.  Woman  has  not  that 
egotism,  ajid  has  the  wit  to  knozv  that  love 
has  zaings. 

A  man's  spasm  of  repentance  is  always 
as  brief  as  it  is  violent. 

Men  and  women  would  not  be  such 
slippery  eels  if  the  hands  were  papered 
with  bank  notes. 

75 


Break  your  neck  if  you  must,  but  never 
break  your  Avord. 

What  we  love  is  always  saying  "good- 
bye;" what  we  hate  "  sticketh  closer  than 
a  brother." 

A  woman  is  always  hunting  trouble  to 
wrinkle  and  annoy  her.  A  man  is  always 
hunting  for  escapades  to  embarrass  or  ruin 
him. 

Money,  the  root  of  all  evil  !  The  root 
we  are  all  trying  to  chew  on.  The  evil  we 
are  all  trying  to  commit. 

A  man  is  born  rebellious,  tyrannical, 
polygamous  ;  born  a  savage  ;  but  it  is  his 
supreme  good  fortune  to  have  mother, 
wife,  sister,  or  sweetheart  to  mould  him 
into  the  semblance  of  a  gentleman  that 
civilized  beino-s  can  live  with. 


t>' 


The  tears  in  the  eyes  of  women  are  like 
a  little  noisy  creek.  The  tears  in  the  hearts 
of  men  are  like  the  sea — deep,  briny,  silent. 

Passion,    anger,    and    worry    are    great 

trench-builders  in  the  human  countenance. 
76 


^ 


The  more  friends  and  relations  you  have 
the  more  people  you  have  to  make  you 
trouble,  and  to  give  you  the  heartache. 

There  is  nothing  in  anything  but  love, 
and  there  is  nothing  in  that  when  you  get 
to  the  bottom  of  it. 

There  is  a  shadow  of  sorrow  across 
every  woman's  eyes. 

A  woman  o-ets  more  satisfaction  in  beino- 
well  dressed  than  she  does  in  being-  well 
moralled. 

Hope  is  the  sponge  that  wipes  the  lines     .• 
of  despair    and   disappointment    from  the     ^  ■■ 
heart. 

Old  women  are  cold  women,  and  cold 
women  are — bah  ! 

Advice  is  always  a  drug  in  the  market. 

Men  sip  at  Sorrow's  cup,  and  women 
drain  it  to  the  bottom. 

Vows  of  love  are  like  pie-crust — made 
to  be  broken, 

77 


When  men  no  lon<j[^er  look  at  a  woman, 
it  is  time  for  her  to  say  her  prayers  and 
prepare  for  eternity. 

An  unruly  tono-ue  is  infinitely  harder  to 
control  than  an  unrul)'  horse. 

One  of  the  greatest  shocks  a  woman 
receives  is  when  she  learns  what  an  all- 
round  nincompoop  the  oracle  of  wisdom 
she  married  is. 

Old  Age  is  constantly  making  apologies 
to  Youth  for  being  alive. 

Hurry  and  worry  are  twins  that  should 
be  strangled  at  birth. 

The  beauty  of  an  angel  does  not  com- 
pare with  the  beauty  of  a  mother's  heart. 

The  intelligence  of  your  neighbors  de- 
pends on  how  favorably  they  judge  j'cyu. 

The  wit  of  other  people  is  invariably 
dulled  by  the  sharpness  of  your  own. 

j^        Every  lost  illusion  writes  a  wrinkle  on 
the  heart  and  a  shadow  on  the  face. 
78 


Love  is  an  amiable  insanity. 

We  come  into  the  world  asking  Why? 
and  go  out  asking  Where  ? 


Fmi5 


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